Grace in Grief, Testimony of Sherry Cozart

Can Grace be found in Grief? Yes absolutely, there is Grace in Grief! As a small child, I can remember experiencing trauma and terrors that no child should experience. I felt a drawing, from what I came to learn was, the Holy Spirit. I had heard of young Samuel who heard the call of the Lord in the middle of the night. As he became aware of the “Caller”, submission followed. See 1 Samuel 3: 1-10 for details of this story.

Like Samuel, I have always felt “called out” by God, even while going through the tough circumstances and trials of my life. I learned of God’s Grace early in my life and He is my sustaining Rock. I accepted the call of Jesus to be my personal LORD and Savior at the age of 7. God began to teach me His Word and His Grace and, yes, Grace through my circumstances. I will not address the early years of my traumatic life except only to say, God always placed my heart and mind under His wings (Psalms 91:4A – He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under His wings shalt thou TRUST: It was here that my Faith began to grow. I began to read and memorize God’s Word and would repeat it any time I needed comfort or peace. I found an awesome God, whom in the midst of my turmoil; looked for me, called out to me, and rescued me! His Grace carried me through! Ephesians 2:8,9 For by Grace are you saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast.

I wish that I could tell you from that moment on my life became a fairy tale, you know – happily ever after - and for a time it was. God placed the most remarkable man in my life to marry and we were soon blessed with two beautiful children, our son, Michael followed by our daughter, Jacki to complete our family. Life was good and joy filled for many years.

Enter the year 2010. It began just like all the others, family, church, work, play, relaxation. In late January, my father was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer and was given less than 6 months to live. My mother, who was in poor health, was already one of my care-taking responsibilities and so it was no problem to add my dad to the list. Our family spent the next 6 months reading and speaking God’s words of comfort and promise to my parents as we approached the impending loss of my daddy. Unexpectedly, as God would have it, He called my mother to enter her eternal resting place first. You see, after 54 years of marriage to my dad, she could not have handled losing him, so God understood and called her home first. What a shock!. My mom, the woman I admired more than anyone was gone. She taught me so many things – forgiveness and unconditional love – these were her greatest legacies. I was going to need her when Dad passed. Well, there was no time for grieving. I had to become the primary 24/7 caretaker for my Dad. Just nine days later, Dad rejoined my mother in their eternal home with our Everlasting Father. Still no time for grieving, I had business to take care of, plans to make, and issues to handle. God’s Grace carried me just like He promised, this time, it was as the wings of Eagles”. Isaiah 40:31 but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

On July 5, 2010 we celebrated our parents’ lives together in a Memorial service. It was going to be a very special service for me. You see, my father had asked my husband to conduct his funeral when we received word of his impending death. I was blessed to have such a Godly man, not only for a husband, but as a friend and inspiration to my father. Can you just see God’s hand here? Wow, He is an awesome God! Since my husband had to arrive earlier, my children and I drove separately to the funeral home. What an amazing Memorial Service it was, my parents would have been so proud! Mike preached Jesus Christ and the Cross! One of the parting comments he made to those gathered on this day was: “the only thing that matters in this life is what you do with Jesus Christ”. “What will you do with Jesus Christ today”?

As we left the funeral home my son was so broken hearted. I assumed it was over the loss of his grandparents but, he looked at me and said “Mom, I never realized what big shoes I had to fill until today when I saw dad step into grandpa’s”. I replied, “Son, daddy’s not a preacher” and he said “oh, but he is, he spoke volumes to me today”. You see our son had strayed away from serving the Lord in his late teens, early twenties. As parents we never ceased praying for his return to service of the Lord. He had been saved as a young teenager and served faithfully for a number of years. So you can imagine the joy and excitement these words brought to this mother’s ears and heart. I may have just buried my parents, but God’s Grace gave me the desire of my heart that day when my son returned his heart to the Lord! Can’t you feel it? Isn’t it amazing? Yes, God’s Grace is truly Amazing.

We sat outside on our patio, as a united family once again, discussing God’s love and providential graces. We basked in the sunshine and each other’s presence. God had restored peace to a family torn apart by rebellion! Michael asked his dad to help him find a church in Paducah that he could get a ride to the next Sunday. Mike assured him he would, even if we had to come take them ourselves. All was well and “Happy Ever After” seemed like a reality.

July 7, 2010 started like any other Wednesday. Work was hectic, and to top it off, my car battery died. I received a jump and made it to the house. My husband looked at it and determined it had to be replaced. We were headed to Paducah, and as the light turned green, a police car flew past us. The police officer blocked the entrance to the I-24 East bound lane preventing us from entering the roadway – God’s Grace again. As we crossed over the overpass, I glanced down toward the bridge crossing over into Kentucky from Illinois. An overwhelming sense of dread and anxiousness that I couldn’t explain came over me. I told my husband that I did not want to continue on to Paducah and expressed my emotions. He told me to call our daughter to check on her. As I dialed and Jacki answered the call, I felt such relief. She replied, “don’t worry, Mom, “I’m fine”. Hanging up the phone, I could not shake this dreadful feeling in my stomach. I asked Mike to pull over at a restaurant near the interstate. We sat and discussed the issues of the day. My eyes could not ignore the flashing lights of the police cars or the traffic which was backed up. After a couple hours, we headed home. The feeling of dread continued to grow in my stomach. I told him I wasn’t sure what was going on but something bad had happened.

At 9:30 pm I received a call from my son’s girlfriend asking if Michael had stopped by our house. I replied, “no, he had not been by”. “Why would Michael be in Metropolis anyway?” She explained that he had ridden with a neighbor to Metropolis to bid on a roofing job and they had not returned. My heart gave way and was pounding out of my chest at this point. My mind was screaming “oh my God, NOOOOO! I was trying to remain calm, his girlfriend was due to deliver their child any day and I did not want to unnecessarily alarm her. I calmly (though I don’t know how) remember telling her that there had been an accident on the bridge and he was most likely caught up in the traffic. I explained that the bridge was still closed and I am sure we would hear from him soon. I hung up the phone and SCREAMED. It’s Michael, it’s Michael, oh Mike, it’s our son! He held onto me and told me to calm down as we didn’t know anything for sure yet and we should wait for the news to come on. I knew though. It seemed an eternity for those next 30 minutes to pass. Finally, the news came on. [Breaking NEWS- an accident on I-24 - a truck carrying a ladder was struck in the rear by another truck. There was one known fatality. The other person had been transported to the hospital.] I couldn’t breathe, what I felt earlier had now become a reality. At the hospital, we were told our son was not on the bridge. The police found an unidentified shoe at the site of the accident and inquired if this could belong to our son. Yes, it was Michael’s. The impact had thrown him over the side of the bridge. After two agonizing nights and days, our son was returned to us. No, not the way we had prayed or desired. Now, I asked, where was God’s Grace I had leaned on my whole life? How does a mother go on after losing her only Son, her oldest child? Why would a Gracious God do this to me? Questions roared and then God softly spoke reminding me of a song…one I used to sing in church. Some of the lyrics are…{this is what it means to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive, this is what it means to be loved, and to know, that the promise was, when everything fell, we’d be held.} God’s Grace gave this song to me long before I would experience the loss of our son. Isn’t God Grace amazing? He knows what we need hours, days, weeks and years before we do. God’s promises I had memorized throughout my life began to pour in my heart and mind “…My grace is sufficient for thee” (II Corinthians 12:9), “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6), “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also” (John 14:3). Our daughter presented to us the greatest comforting scripture as a gift of God’s Grace. It is found in Isaiah 43:1B-2 …fear not for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou are mine. When thou passeth through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shall not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.” So you see, God’s Grace is found when we turn our hearts toward him. It was said in the days following Michael’s death; “God brought our son home, so He could take him home”! God’s amazing Grace has become our new anthem.

It has been two years since the painful summer of 2010. Joys, once again, abound in our lives. God blessed us with two young grandsons through our son. Mike and I have been blessed with the responsibility of raising a child all over again. Though at times it does not feel like a blessing, as we begin to see their hearts turn toward our heavenly Father, it is worth it all. God has blessed our daughter with a loving spouse and an expected child early next year and we eagerly await her entrance into our lives. God is to be praised for His GRACE and His goodness. Yes, there is Grace in Grief, when seen through the eyes of the Holy Spirit as He carries you through the trials of this world.

May God receive All Glory and All Praise!

Sherry Cozart